I am convinced that self-compassion is an enormously underrated life skill, and I often speak passionately about giving ourselves care and love as freely as we give to others. It makes total sense that in order to write about something, one must surely have some level of expertise or even be an authority on the subject.
Yet, here I am, feeling quite ill- equipped trying to write about the power of self-compassion. I'm absolutely not an expert! But maybe... it's my imperfection that most qualifies me.
In current circumstances my poorly lacking self-compassion, won’t allow me to look at my mother’s sudden and unexpected death, rationally. Instead, my reasoning assaults me daily with how much more I wish I had, could have, should have done for her. It completely drowns out the ocean of love that I did give her and the lifetime of shared joy we had together. Instead, I so easily give in to the voice in my head. The voice that tells me that my best was not enough, that I could have been more.
Not so long ago, in the “before mum died” time, a psychologist (named Genevieve) referred me to the writings of Dr Kristin Neff – a pioneer in the study of self-compassion. This synchronicity and chain of events felt like it was too lined up, to simply be chance. You see Kristin is the name of my gorgeous, little niece who passed away suddenly and tragically when she was almost two. So, Genevieve was referring me to the writings of Kristin who was holding up self-compassion as a core life skill. It felt like our Kristin was speaking directly to my soul, holding up a mirror to my thoughts. Another, "can't possibly be just random" thing, is that Kristin loved butterflies. The symbolism of butterflies here is a whole other blog piece (another time), but the direct connection to me is that I have Fibromyalgia. This is an invisible, debilitating pain condition and the symbol most associated with Fibromyalgia is the butterfly. This was adopted because, although a butterfly is light and weightless it can still cause pain if it landed on someone with the condition due to their heightened sensitivity to pain and pressure.
So there I was in this mind-blowing space, feeling electrified, like everything was conspiring to pass on a message to me....a message that was right before me and had been all along, only I chose/choose to be blind to it...
There is a narrative we carry within ourselves and everyone has it. It's there right now, interpreting what you are reading...deciding for you whether you can accept these thoughts or not. Let me have a go at reading your mind...
- "Well, that's just stupid, of course there's a voice...that's just me talking in my head!"
- "What does she know about my life. This may work for her but it's not what I need!"
- "Self-compassion, ha...what nonsense!"
- "Well, that's all well and good but I have no time for this!"
Hmmm...not sure if I got any of that right, maybe not! Yes I know the voice is ours and I most certainly do not know your life. I walk in my own shoes. The point is that our internal dialogue drives our every thought, our every action and yet more often that not, it's freewheeling, uninhibited and unapologetic. It is the same internal voice that whispers criticism, telling us we’re not enough and guess what?... we succumb, we believe it so easily. Sometimes the whispers feel deafening inside our heads, drowning out peace, growing louder with every doubt and amplifying fears until they seem to be the only truth.
I know that voice all too well. It shows up on the hard days when I feel like I should be doing more, being more, giving more. It's a voice that knows all my insecurities and uses them against me, like a heavy weight, pressing down on my chest, filling the spaces where compassion and self-love should live. Dr. Kristin Neff speaks about this voice with such clarity. She explains that self-compassion is “treating yourself with the same kindness, care, and concern you would show to a good friend.” We are so quick to comfort others, to tell them it’s okay, that they’re doing their best, but when it comes to ourselves…the bar is often set impossibly high.
It feels like the most obvious thing right…giving ourselves compassion when we’re going through a hard time? We automatically do this for others! We might say…
- “I’m so sorry you're going through this. Please know I'm here to listen whenever you need to talk”.
- “It's okay to feel overwhelmed. You’re doing the best you can, and that’s enough”.
- “It’s okay to not be okay right now. Take all the time you need to process things. I’ll be here for you”.
- “I wish I could take this pain away, but I’ll stay by your side through all of it”.
This empathy pours out easily and endlessly when we comfort others. Now imagine you are saying all the above to yourself in a difficult moment! Why does it suddenly not flow and feel awkward? What I want to say to you is this…Your inner critic, that relentless and unforgiving voice in your head, can be your friend.
You can shift the narrative and allow yourself the grace to be a messy human being who stumbles sometimes and isn’t always perfect. Meet yourself where you are, without judgement and with the softness you reserve for someone you love very much. And make the someone you love very much…be you. It’s not arrogant or self-indulgent…it’s actually necessary.
I don’t profess to be an authority on self-compassion, but I am on a journey to embrace it. I want to be able to offer myself the same love that I so freely give to others. Curiously my favourite quotation, one that I have shared with so many loved ones…a quotation that was pinned to my noticeboard for years and one which I took down and re-pinned at every new job I held, speaks directly to these thoughts.
Marianne Williamson in “A Return to Love” says:
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others…”
It’s that light we hide from…the truth that we are worthy of love, worthy of care—worthy of our own compassion. We’ve been conditioned to believe that self-compassion is selfish, when in fact, it is the foundation for everything good we give to the world. If we’re not compassionate with ourselves, how can we truly show up for others with authenticity? There’s a shift that happens when we embrace self-compassion. The inner dialogue changes from “I’m not enough” to “I’m doing my best,” from “I should have done better” to “I’m learning.” This isn’t about not being accountable or excusing intentionally bad behaviour/choices either. At any given point, if we know that we are truly doing our best, with the circumstances we have at the time...then that’s enough. In those moments, we step into the light Marianne Williamson speaks of—we free ourselves from the fear of not being perfect and open ourselves to just being human.
We all know that mastering a skill takes practice and yet bizarrely, we haven’t yet understood that the more we show ourselves compassion, the more we understand it and are able to offer it to those around us. It’s not about perfection, but about presence. Our worth doesn’t come from how much we achieve or how perfectly we perform, but from the simple truth that we are here, doing our best in this moment.
So, the next time you are struggling, why don't you try comforting yourself. Say perhaps…
- “It’s okay to lean on others. I don’t have to carry everything on my own”
- “My feelings are valid. I deserve to be heard”
- “Even in my hardest moments, I'm still worthy of love from others and especially from myself”
In this space of tenderness, we can find true strength…the strength to move through life with grace and resilience, knowing that no matter what...we are enough.
So, Kristin, thank you for "speaking" to me when you did. Sorry I took so long to listen…I’m trying to listen now. In the end, self-compassion isn’t just a gift to us, it’s a gift to the world. As we liberate ourselves from our fears, from our inner critic…we show others that it’s possible. And in doing so, we create a ripple effect of kindness and care that touches everyone around us.
That’s the power of self-compassion. It heals us so that we are at peace with ourselves. And this...empowers us to be beautiful role models for our children and to bring more love into the world.